Thursday, December 23, 2010

The huge list of things I don't like about myself!

Ok now this might seem very emo of someone to do but I can promise you grieving over myself is far from my intention of making this list. For the past year or so I seem to be constantly swimming inside my head trying to figure myself out. Things like "why do I think like this", How do I relate to so and so, Just too many things to list my mind gets all jumbled trying to think about it. They say writing about things is the next step from thinking about things (or not lol) But hey this list actually contribute to one of the things I actually like about myself and thats being able to be completely honest.

1. My hygiene/self presentation is horrible 

Ok this ones pretty bad. Let me give you an idea of what I mean. Im sitting in my room right now and on my desk there are several cups that are half filled with my piss. Some have milk/cigarette ashes in them. There are 6 plates in here that I have yet to take out since bringing them in here. My desk is black and toward the bottom I can see streaks from not cleaning up after masturbating (this sucked so bad to write lmao).
 Theres two empty cans of alcohol in my closet that I still have not gotten rid of. My beds not made and my laundry basket is overflowing with clothes that I have yet to wash. I have been wearing the same boxers, pants, and shirt for 8 days now. I have not gotten a shower in about 2 weeks. Ive been going to the dentist for the last month after having a toothache for about 2 weeks, I had to have that tooth removed and they told me they are going to have to work on every single tooth, this is due to not brushing my teeth obviously.

I smoke way too many cigarettes so I cant be smelling too great.

Man that really sucked writing all that and im glad this is one of the only actual physical things I dont like about myself. (ohh but dont get me wrong its definitely a mental reason to it that I dont like, weather that be just pure laziness, not caring, or me seeming to always adapt to things and feel as if nothing is wrong rather then changing. Hey its probably all of that)

2. I treat the people I love the most pretty shitty sometimes.

This goes for several people but mainly my grandparents.

They are the greatest people In my life BY FAR, and I know once there gone thats it there will never be anyone in my life as important they are. With that said its extremely puzzling to me as to why im such an asshole to them sometimes.  The scariest part is I know Im going to look back at all those time and I can almost already feel the unbearable pain from it.

3. I have not been able to keep a good thing going.

well this goes for several things. Girlfriends, jobs, pretty much just constantly being at a point where everything is going good and I always find a way to fuck it up.  I always felt like the day I got my license my life got a million times better. I fucked that up within a week by not checking my oil and kaboom no more driving. Once I finally got back on the road I ended up trading my car for a POS car I hated. I ended up losing my insurance because I crashed my grandparents car which raised my insurance dramatically (which my dad still continued to pay) But my dad started to get pissed I was smoking weed all the time and told me if i didnt stop then bye bye insurance, as expected I lost it.

I also crashed one of my best friends cars shortly after driving drunk. He told me to go back to school for my diploma and thats all he wanted from me. So thats what I did. Shortly after I got my first job at a subway. Well I was too slow at making sandwiches so i got fired after 2 weeks. The next day at school my teacher told me I had missed too many hours to finish the class and that I was basically fucked and better luck next semester.  I got discouraged and pretty much spent the next few months sitting at home all day everyday not doing shit. I finally got another job at a restaurant named captian steves. I was able to pay car insurance on my own (170 a month wtf) despite only being scheduled 3 days a week. I was driving my grandpas truck at the time and the first time ever driving myself home from work was amazing. Everyday I just felt good about myself and how everything was going (this is the feeling im talking about that i always fuck up and lose)

Things started to fuck up when I started thinking "this jobs not worth it", I want to quit so bad". I kept telling myself I wanted to quit. One day I was just like fuck this im done. The funny part is I had to be at work at 5 and just planned on not even showing up. I knew id be to much of a pussy to just not go so I had the wonderful idea of getting wasted in the middle of the day to make sure i did not go. 5 o'clock came around and i still kind of chickened out because I ended up just calling my manager and saying I was too sick to go. It was a friday tho so she told me I had to come because it was just way too busy to be down a person. I didn't go. Called the next day and said "All I can say is im sorry and i dont have any excuses" she responded with "its ok and you dont have a job either" Haha atleast she probably felt so awesome saying that. I had fucked everything up again, couldnt pay insurance so back to sitting at the house not doing shit.

Then came my most recent job at autobell. I made really good money there And was finally driving again. Ended up crashing my grandpas truck driving drunk again. Kept working tho getting rides to work. A manager flipped out on me one day and I just up and quit. Walked home too.

which leads me to where im at right now. Thats right sitting at home not doing shit

Its funny, Ive been sitting here for about an hour writing all this and I don't think I have even scratched the surface yet. Scary huh? 


Hopefully this will help

Well I decided to finally start "blogging". I just want to do this to try to collect some of my thoughts for my own purposes. One reason I have always hesitated on starting this, is because to be honest I'm really bad at writing. Almost to the point of being ashamed. I constantly have thoughts and ideas running through my head that I have no problem talking to others about, but when it comes to translating everything I have to say into text I'm dumbfounded. I seriously have almost no clue what most punctuation past a simple period, comma, question mark, and explanation mark is used for. Maybe I do but just don't know what some of them are called lol. Hopefully this sort of helps me articulate myself better, keep things from getting bottled up, and just something I'm able to go back and look at my own opinions and views on things and see if they have changed at all.